Uses For Peanut Butter

Ton of Peanut Butter (a Scorched Earth thing.)
If your alarm clock quits working...
Use it instead of hair spray.
Use it to numb wounds before applying stitches.
Fling spoonfuls into a fan to keep you cool in the summer.
Use it if you run out of ketchup.
Cover your eyes with it. Go wash in Winona Lake. See if you still need your glasses.
Who needs spitwads?
Pardon me while I pump more Peanut Butter into my athletic shoes. The ad says this is how to take control of my life. I paid $211.99 for these shoes...
Use it for mulch in your strawberry patch. Invading birds will get stuck