Awesome Special Effects

http://www.zigmont.com/
If You Need or want it to snow indoors they have that too. Just mouse it!!

The Artist Is Amazing - Clicky On The Thingy

Sculptor and wood carver Doug Rowell has been carving wood for overs 40 years. His humble claim is: 'I can carve anything... out of anything.'The model seen here is a Rickenbacker 220. It was stripped and carved with a portrait of John Lennon. The body was painted black and it has John's signature and cartoon logo engraved into the laminated white pickguard.See his collection of hand carved guitars

A Sick Trick

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him."So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

Santa's Not So Red Lawsuit

AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 23) - Attorneys for filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification.""There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary of State James Baker.Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, and filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole." "Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dog sled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a Spokes-elf said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him. "He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokes-elf. "He's just not feeling jolly."

This is What Comments Are All About

This is my first attempt at generating signs. I made this as a special thank- you to someone who took the time to comment and gave me this awesome link. I appreciate all of the people who pass through and I intend to show all of you that in some way. I love feedback (who doesn't right?) Take care of yourselves and spread good will to all- Happy Holidays!

Pass A Lot Of Time And Have Fun While You Learn

THE LABORATORY THAT NEVER SLEEPSMad Sci Network represents a collective cranium of scientists providing answers to your questions. For good measure they provide a variety of oddities as well.Questions asked and answered are:Can water float on water?What muscles do I use to raise my arms?How can I measure the density of fog?Which would be better. Plastic or glass windows?

Evangelist Bingo OH BOY

TELEVANGELIST BINGO. Televangelists have never been so amusing!Tune into your favorite, or least favorite, broadcasting faith-healer and challenge your fellow lost souls to a sinfully amusing game of Televangelist Bingo.'Tune thy television set to any televangelist program.Harken unto his words and mark thy spaces that match his words. When thou completest a row of five coins, shoutest to the heavens, 'Amen.

Charges Are Being Waved For Crossing Guard

School Crossing Guard Faces Charges for not Waving at Every Vehicle
Lockhart, Florida Retired airman, Kraus Walker, faces serious charges for not waving to one of the people passing by last week. In Florida it is a state law that All school crossing guards Must wave to every vehicle at the intersection within a 50 yard radius. Walker claimed that the SUV had dark tinted windows and loud music playing. “I had been waving since 7:30 am and my arm was getting tired,” said Kraus. He also added, “I didn’t think they were even looking my way so I figured ‘What the Heck.’ Although it is not mandatory for all vehicle drivers to respond to wave, it is still up to their discretion reply, But they have an Equal Opportunity to get their wave even if they really didn’t want it. The SUV driver, who wants to remain anonymous until settlement, said” I wouldn’t have been so mad but I was the one who initiated the wave! The crossing guard just ignored me and I want restitution.” Mr. Walker’s attorney is trying to find the validity of the SUV’s window tinting. Jury selection begins next week for this high profile case.

Most Excellent Time Waster

This is one of the coolest things I have ever had the pleasure of finding. Be forewarned there's endless fun and laughs here.
Morphases is a next generation software for face manipulation.Morphases gives the user almost unlimited power to modify and create real human faces from different elements.All these elements can 'communicate' with each other seemlessly and that gives billions and bilions of possibilities to play with. (6249)(via J-Walk Blog)

Play Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Online Now

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?Experience the Who Wants To Be a Millionaire online game.The game is just for fun, you can't win actual prizes or money.

Neat Instruments To Fiddle With

MUSICAL COMPOSITION.Why not give free rein to the musician or orchestra conductor in you.A dozen instruments are waiting for you to play them, one at a time or all together. Just move your mouse around.

Cool, Weird, Crazy And Funny- Just click and Explore

DR. BROWNALE.Mr. and Mrs. Brownale knew their baby was special and so did the aliens.It was only Mrs. Brownale's obsession with fruit that kept little Doctor safe until he became more of a threat to the aliens than they were to him.

SIGNBOT GENERATORWrite some text and click Generate Sign to make your own animated scrolling text LED sign to use on MySpace, as your forum sig or avatar, or anywhere else.(thanks Zach)For more generators (over 700), see my other site The Generator Blog

Christmas Facts
"Hot cockles" was a popular game at Christmas in medieval times. It was a game in which the other players took turns striking the blindfolded player, who had to guess the name of the person delivering each blow. "Hot cockles" was still a Christmas pastime until the Victorian era.
"White Christmas" (1954), starring Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye, was the first movie to be made in Vista Vision, a deep-focus process.
"The Nutcracker" is the name for the ballet performed around Christmas time each year. "The Nutcracker Suite" is the title of the music Tchaikovsky wrote.
"Wassail" comes from the Old Norse "ves heill"--to be of good health. This evolved into the tradition of visiting neighbors on Christmas Eve and drinking to their health.
A Christmas club, a savings account in which a person deposits a fixed amount of money regularly to be used at Christmas for shopping, came about around 1905.
A traditional Christmas dinner in early England was the head of a pig prepared with mustard.
According to a 1995 survey, 7 out of 10 British dogs get Christmas gifts from their doting owners.
According to historical accounts, the first Christmas in the Philippines was celebrated 200 years before Ferdinand Magellan discovered the country for the western world, likely between the years 1280 and 1320 AD.
According to the National Christmas Tree Association, Americans buy 37.1 million real Christmas trees each year; 25 percent of them are from the nation's 5,000 choose-and-cut farms.
After "A Christmas Carol," Charles Dickens wrote several other Christmas stories, one each year, but none was as successful as the original.
Alabama was the first state to recognize Christmas as an official holiday. This tradition began in 1836.
Although many believe the Friday after Thanksgiving is the busiest shopping day of the year, it is not. It is the fifth to tenth busiest day. The Friday and Saturday before Christmas are the two busiest shopping days of the year.
American billionaire Ross Perot tried to airlift 28 tons of medicine and Christmas gifts to American POW's in North Vietnam in 1969.
America's official national Christmas tree is located in King's Canyon National Park in California. The tree, a giant sequoia called the "General Grant Tree," is over 300 feet (90 meters) high. It was made the official Christmas tree in 1925.

The Christmas Diet Song

'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash tore open the icebox then threw up the sash. The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.When what to my wandering eyes should appear: a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.From the top of the scales to the top of the hall now dash away pounds now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress my clothes were all bulging from too much excess.My droll little mouth and my round little belly they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry if temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.And I mumbled again as I turned for the night in the morning I'll starve . . . 'til I take that first bite.

12 Steps To not Thinking

I was a lot like you: carefree, happy and blissful. This was before my life took a tragic turn, a turn which I sense you are on the verge of taking. There is no help for me, unfortunately, but perhaps my story will prevent you from falling into the abyss into which I have been thrown.
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties, now and then, just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone. To relax, I told myself, even though I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally, I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Kafka and Thoreau. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What IS it exactly we are doing here?".
Things weren't going so great at home, either. One evening I had turned off the TV, and asked my wife "What is the meaning of life?". She spent the night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day, the boss called me in and said "Greg, I like you and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job". This gave me a lot to think about!
I came home early after my conversation with the boss.
"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking".
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce."
"But honey, surely it's not that serious!"
"It is serious", she said, her lower lip quivering. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money. So if you keep thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism!" I said impatiently, and she began to cry.
I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library", I snarled, and stomped out the door. I headed out to the library in the mood for some Nitzche and NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors.
They didn't open. The library was closed! To this day, I believe a higher power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathrustra, a poster caught my eye.
"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.
I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's". Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job and things are a lot better at home. Life just seems...easier, somehow, as soon as I stop thinking.

2 Fisherman

2 dumb fishermen decided to rent a boat on a lake for their favorite sport. After fishing for 4 hours at various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling it quits, Suddenly things started to happen, and they caught their limit inside of twenty minutes. paul said, (Hey we should mark this spot, so next time we will know where to come,) Jim says good idea, and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the floor of the boat....to mark the spot.... With that paul says, why did you do that, now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish.

A Cat's Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkeys and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

Gramma's Apron

The principle use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a holder for removing hot pans from the oven.
It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears. From the chicken-coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven. When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids. And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms. Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove. Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron. From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls. In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees. When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds. When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner. It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that "old-time apron" that served so many purposes. Send this to those who would know, and love the story about Grandma's aprons. REMEMBER THIS! Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool. Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw.

God Loves Blondes Too

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"

The Bingos Took My Baby

An eight month old Australian baby screams and cries to go to Bingo. Young mother Philipa Shanks of Wallahjacaroo Springs, is being driven to tears by her baby Peony. " If I don't take her to Bingo every day she throws a fit."
Philipa blames herself for her child's strange addiction. " I've always gone to Bingo. Even when pregnant with Peony, I never missed a night. I went straight from the Bingo hall to the hospital to have her. "
Baby Peony seemed a normal Australian baby in every way until one night her mother had a bad cold and didn't go to Bingo. "She flew into a rage, wouldn't stop screaming, cried herself blue and wouldn't stop till I put her in her pram and wheeled her to the Bingo hall."
Peony's addiction seems to be getting worse. Her mother has been taking her to Bingo every day. "She's never missed an evening's Bingo since she was born but lately after the Bingo's over she doesn't want to go home. I've had to find an all night Bingo and bought her a Bingo game to play while at home. I don't know what else I can do. I'm at my wits end."
The Bingos' Young Victim
Peony Shanks of Wallahjacaroo Springs, Australia,
Australian Expert Professor Trevor Rupert Lonie was called in to help.
Professor Lonie quickly diagnosed Peony as suffering from Fetal Bingo Addiction Syndrome (FBAS). "It's becoming more and more common. I've diagnosed dozens of babies so far, and Peony isn't the worst FBAS case."
The Professor warns "Pregnant women should stay away from Bingos! The fetus is very susceptible to the bingo calling, the repetition, the adrenaline surges are all transferred and amplified to the fetus. It's like a drug to them"
Professor Lonie has seen the worst of this syndrome. "I've seen babies born clutching at Bingo markers, babies fixated by numbers or the letters b.i.n.g.o.. Babies crawling for miles to get to a Bingo game. Some babies have resorted to crime to feed this awful craving. Stealing from their mother's purses, even shoplifting."
What can be done for these poor children?
Prof. Lonie acknowledged that the treatment for these children is still in it's infancy. " The cold turkey methods won't work with these babies they must be weaned away from Bingo slowly. I've been treating one FBAS child for eleven years who still breaks into a cold sweat when he hears the song 'There Was A Farmer Who Had A Dog and Bingo Was His Name'. It's very sad."
...
The Australian Government is now requiring warning labels on all Bingo cards. U.S., Canadian and British Governments are considering the same measures.

Working Out Can Be Unhealthy Too

Seeeeeee I Told Yaaaaaaaaa!

Some Of You May Actually Remember This Toy

Click the Marvin Glass link below to find a list of other toys and games he invented- quite interesting.
"Marvin Glass was a workaholic toy inventor. So much so, that he often did not spend enough time with his wife. During an argument over Marvin's work habits, Mrs. Glass shouted "You are always working, inventing! You are Mr. Machine!". And so a great toy name and toy was invented by Marvin Glass. By winding Mr. Machine's large metal key on his back, he would roll forward, legs and arms moving, bell ringing, and opening his mouth and "squawking". You could rotate the little wheel behind the toy to make it run in a circle or curve instead of a straight line."

Sweet Christmas Video-Nostalgic

Karen Carpenter and Kristy McNichol sing "the Christmas Alphabet"
Karen Carpenter and Kristy McNichol sing "the Christmas Alphabet" via PCL Linkdump

Rosie Face The Facts You Are Just One Big Know-It All Bully

Rosie Rips on Ripa:
Poor little Clay Aiken is caught in the middle of talk show host bitchfight. It all started on The View when Rosie O’Donnell accused Kelly Ripa on of making a homophobic remark about her recent guest host, Clay Aiken. Rosie was referring to an incident in which Clay playfully put his hand over Kelly’s mouth and she responded, “I don’t know where that hand had been.” Rosie in all her gay/lesbian brilliance is positive that Kelly would’ve never said that if her co-host had been straight. Kelly was so pissed that she called into the show and fired back that Rosie’s comments were outrageous and irresponsible. Kelly said she made the remark because Clay had been shaking hands with the audience and it’s cold and flu season. Meanwhile, Clay Aiken is wishes these two biatches would quit trying to out him on national

Ten Things A Cat Thinks About:

• I could have sworn I heard the can opener.
  
• Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
  
• Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?
  
• I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have an ulterior motive?
  
• Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these stupid dogs to do anything for us?
  
• This looks like a good spot for a nap.
  
• Hey, no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
  
• Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?
  
• If there's a God, how can He allow neutering/spaying?
  
• If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let them know who's boss!

Hollywood Guide To Computing-

• People never have to look at the screen or use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
  
• Super-computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes.
  
• All computer panels (e.g. Star Trek) have thousands of Kilovolts running just underneath the panels. Any Malfunction is indicated by a big flash and loads of sparks, a puff of smoke, and an explosion that forces people backwards.
  
• Some computers slow down the text output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. An optional pip sound can be produced as each letter or line is displayed.
  
• The most technical the equipment, the more (unlabelled) buttons it has.
  
• No matter what format of computer disk you have, it will be readable by any system you put it into. Therefore, all application software in movies is usable by all computer platforms.
  
• Real-time video communication is possible on small hand held devices and small laptops ; also when using wireless modems, the speed of data transfer is always around 3 Gigabytes per second.
  
• Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under 5 seconds.
  
• Whenever a movie character looks at a VDU, the screen image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
  
• The internet connects to everything in the movies. You can edit credit records, search hotel registries, lookup police criminal files, search drivers license databases, edit social security files and more just using the internet!
  
• Smashing the VDU will prevent the whole system from working.
  
• You can launch nuclear missiles from any bedroom using an analog modem, but only if you know a single secret password.

Heaven Help Us Mmmmmmmm

Vintage Pet Food Labels

Pet Food Labels.Vintage labels. 'These labels range in date from the 1920s to the 1960s.'

Chipmunkzzzzzz Gangsta Rappin': Caution Strong Language

The Chipmunkz went all gangsta. They are mad at Dave. He didn't give them a piece of the money he was making from their albums. Now they are out for revenge. *Coarse Language*On a completely related but unrelated note. If you are feeling nostalgic you can watch the Chipmunks Show Theme Song here.

Sweet Love

What's Her Name? - An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc... The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago.

Some Animal Links You May Enjoy

50 Animals in Casts***50 Animals Driving**Hungry cat survives epic voyage***The first remarkable close-up pictures of animals in the womb

I So Wanna Come Back As A Chimp Now

Male chimps put age before beauty when searching for a mate
Male chimpanzees have a penchant for a toyboy lifestyle and would far rather pair off with an older female than find one of their own age, a study has found. To a young male chimp there is nothing so attractive as wrinkles, sagging skin and bald patches in a female who is old enough to be his great-great-grandmother. Young women in human society can find themselves faced with a queue of men hoping to buy them a drink, but in chimpanzee communities it is the experienced female who is regarded as the epitome of beauty. So strong is the male urge to find an older partner that fights frequently break out over rights of access to the oldest female chimps in the tribe. By contrast, the young females with all their fur, the perfect chimp complexion and a perfectly toned body can merely hope to mate with the weakest, most unwanted male specimens!

Hmmmmmmm nice hair. I wonder what kind of shampoo he uses?

Baby Does A Naughty

Baby takes first steps and locks mum out of flat .
A young mum was stranded on her balcony after her eight-month old baby took his first steps - and locked her out.Christina Meier, 19, spent two hours on her balcony in Augsburg, Bavaria, before her calls for help were answered and firemen arrived to rescue her.Meier told local media: "My son Karl is not yet a year old and could not walk so I thought it was safe to pop outside for a quick cigarette. Suddenly I heard these footsteps and I saw him walking towards me through the glass.I was so proud I didn't even think about the self-locking door. And then he just shut it."

True Story at a Portchester Car Park


Patrick finished his shopping in the supermarket of his home village of Portchester. He ambled slowly in the noonday sunshine into the car park behind the shopping centre to put his bags in the boot of his car.
As he moved towards his car he observed two youths, dressed in red anoraks and wearing red baseball caps, struggling with the lock of a white Nissan Bluebird car. Patrick watched them for a few moments before speaking, 'You two seem to be having trouble, he said.
'Oh, it's alright, 'replied one youth brightly, 'the key sometimes gets stuck in the lock.'
'Perhaps you would like to try my key, 'suggested Pat helpfully.
'Why on earth would we want to do that?' said the other youth in a sarcastic voice.
'Because it's my car, 'Pat retorted.
What happened next
The youths ran away and Pat telephoned the police. When Pat described the young men the police immediately knew who they were. Ten minutes later the boys were arrested in the local pub some 150 metres away from where the attempted crime had been committed. They were still wearing their brightly coloured anoraks and hats.

Joke: Very Old
My husband and I both look very young for our ages. In fact, we've hardly aged a day since we first laid eyes on each other in college -- at least, that's what we tell each other. Our children have a way of bringing us crashing back to earth. Recently, my husband and I were discussing a man who was running for public office."He's a Vietnam Vet," commented my husband. "What's that?" queried our young daughter. Trying to answer the question in terms a four-year-old could readily grasp, my husband replied, "Well, Honey, that means that the man fought in a war that happened when Mommy and Daddy were little." Our daughter regarded us both thoughtfully for a moment, then asked "So, was he a Viking?"

The Foul Mouthed Parrot
Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior". Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"

Walmart Wines

BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) - Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item, Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6-8 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine,said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I., "There is wine in a box that people are willing to buy," she said. "The right name is important."
The top 15 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:
15. Box O' Grapes 14. Chateau Traileur Doublewide 13. White Trashfindel 12. Big Red Gulp 11. Grape Expectations 10. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays" 9. NASCARbernet 8. Chef Boyardeaux 7. Peanut Noir 6. Blue Light Special Nun 5. Chateau des Moines 4. Martha Stewart's Sour Grapes 3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar! 2. World Championship Wriesling
and the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine
1. Nasti Spumante

Bad Food

Not long ago I met the waitress of my dreams.
About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, "Ma'am, this potato is bad."
She nodded, picked up the potato and smacked it. Then she put it back on my plate and said, "Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know."

Drugs Really Aren't A Problem

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, ''Why didn't we have drug problem when you and I were growing up?''

I replied: I had a drug problem when I was young - I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profane four-letter word.
I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flowerbeds and cockleburs out of dad's fields.
I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.

Are You A Blue-Neck?

You might be a Blue Neck if...

By now I'm sure you've heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here are some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins:
YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF:1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!3. You don't have any problem pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce."4. For breakfast, you prefer potato au gratin to grits.5. You don't know what a moon pie is.6. You've never had RC cola.7. You've never eaten okra fried or boiled.8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.10. You have no idea what a polecat is.11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.12. You don't have bangs.13. You'd rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.14. More than 2 generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.15. You'd rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.16. Instead of referring to 2 or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.18. You've never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 around the house.21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp to the highway.22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.23. The farthest south you've been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.24. You call binoculars opera glasses.25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.26. You'd never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.27. You don't know what applique is.28. You don't know anyone with 2 first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, et al).29. You don't have doilies, and you don't know how to make one.30. You've never been to a craft show.31. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.32. You can do your laundry without quarters.33. None of your fur coats are homemade.