When Camping..........

Camping Tips
When using a public campground, placing bagpipes in clear view on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.When smoking a fish, never inhale.A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.

Sasquatch Report

There is a theory floating around that Sasquatch or more lovingly nicknamed BIGFOOT may be a hermit for a reason. It appears that some men with broom handles have been provoking the critters by poking their hineys. A hidden camera caught one of the fellas in the act of pokin'.I imagine you would become quite elusive yourself if this happened to you. Also the fella was taking advantage of the frigid weather because Sasquatch move slower in the cold.Big bully!!

Strange Bedfellows-

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the '90's!, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Monster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

You Are A Coffee Addict If............

* You short out motion detectors. * You have a conniption over spilled milk. * You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. * Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. * You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. * You don't tan, you roast. * You don't get mad, you get steamed. * Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after. {pleeze don't ask 'after what...' }* Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood. * You can't even remember your second cup. * You help your dog chase its tail. * You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. * You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate." * You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

Did You Ever Wonder.............

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? She says,"Daddy, I want new apartment."
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam".
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you? A pool table.
What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers

Matchbook Cover Art

This collection of matchbook cover art looks very cool. Striking Images. via Drawn! The Illustration Blog

My Question Is Why Sedate Before She Finished??

Escaped Chimpanzee Raids Fridge, Does A Little Housework
An escaped chimpanzee at the Little Rock Zoo in Arkansas raided a kitchen cupboard and did a little cleaning with a toilet brush before sedatives knocked her out on top of a refrigerator. The 120-pound primate, Judy, escaped Tuesday into a service area when a zookeeper opened a door to her sleeping quarters, unaware the animal was still inside. As keepers tried to woo Judy back into her cage, she rummaged through a refrigerator where chimp snacks are stored. She opened kitchen cupboards, pulled out juice and soft drinks and took a swig from bottles she managed to open. Keeper Ann Rademacher says Judy went into the bathroom, picked up a toilet brush and cleaned the toilet. Rademacher says the 37-year-old Judy was a house pet before the zoo acquired her in 1988, so she may have been familiar with housekeeping chores. Judy wrung out a sponge and scrubbed down the fridge. It took a couple of tries, but the zoo sedated the chimp, who fell asleep on top of the refrigerator with half a loaf of cinnamon-raisin bread she had pulled out of the freezer.

Seafood Tastes Rubbery

While granted, my diet has been somewhat limited thus far, much of my desire to branch out has been limited by experiences like this recent one I had.

shark
Seafood is apparently quite the treat. Low in fat, high in protein, good for cholesterol levels and tasty to booty... Gotta tell you, not my experience.
I've heard good things about a few different varieties of fish including halibut, cod and sticks, but what was offered to me was sharky. I figured it would be good on account of how swell my Uncle Sharky is. Protein yield and cholesterol benefit were both zero, but if you like gamy, f'get about it!
I must have chewed for twenty minutes before surrendering. Aside from a grumble in my tummy and a squeek in his, the net outcome was a draw.
To conclude, seafood is an insulting abomination. Unless you can find a more digestible type of fish or have a ridiculous surplus of teeth (say up in the "over five or six" range,) I would strongly dissuade you from trying to eat it. Best left in for fun in the tub.

Make Your Own Tombstone

tombstone generator- Pretty weird or funny however you wanna look at it- <<<

Memo To Iraq Study Group:

Herman Munster Still Available:The Iraq Study Group (ISG), a bi-partisan collection of wise men led by former Secretary of State James Baker, III and former congressman Lee Hamilton, is expected to release its recommendations for addressing the situation in Iraq soon. Possible ISG suggestions have already been leaked to the press and they include dividing the country into separate states; implementing a phased U.S. troop withdrawal; and encouraging regional diplomatic talks with Syria and Iran. One idea not yet adopted by the august panel dates back to a previous quagmire: Vietnam. In the early stages of U.S. involvement in that war, the brilliant statesman and baseball figure Leo Durocher suggested that fictional sitcom character Herman Munster might be sent overseas to help out our armed forces (rather than be signed to the Dodgers). The clear implication of Mr. Durocher’s bold, selfless rhetoric was that Mr. Munster was the next best thing to nuclear weapons to affect a speedy victory in Southeast Asia. Sadly, the Dodgers coach's humble musings fell on deaf ears and the war lasted another ten years. But a good idea is a good idea and CONELRAD urges the ISG to take nothing off the table before its formal report is issued to the Executive Branch. Indeed, let President Bush decide whether to draft Herman Munster to clean up the mess in the Middle East. Mr. Munster may be fictional and 192-years-old, but he would do anything to help his country

Pencilmation Astounding Animation

pencilmation

2 Sides to The Pavlov Story

Just Some Random Stuff

These Are For Real Country Song Titles

It's Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long
Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears
I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
If I Had My Life to Live Over, I'd Live Over a Delicatessen
If I Were In Your Shoes, I'd Walk Right Back To Me
All My Exes Live in Texas
Saddle Up the Stove, Ma, I'm Riding the Range Tonight
I Thought She Was Out Jogging, But She Was Running Around On Me
If the Phone Don't Ring, It's Me Not Calling You Up
All the Guys Who Turn Me On Turn Me Down

Old Chinese Proverbs

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.
One dog barks at something, the rest bark at him.
Man who streaks is unsuited for his work.
Girl who does everything under the sun gets everything sunburned.
Man who places head in sand will get kicked in the end.
Man who gets too big for his britches may get exposed in the end.
Man who go through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man who run in front of car get tired.

Answering Machine Hi-Jinks

Use these on your answering machine for wacky fun!
Hello, you have reached 987-6543. Please press one for English, 2 for English, or better yet: call back when you speak English! *****
Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call even sooner!****Hi! This is Jim. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.****My lover and I can't come to the phone right now but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished****.Hello. I am Bill's answering machine. Who or what are you?****Hi! Jill's answering machine is broken. This is her refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with a magnet****.Hello! You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need a magazine subscription, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are already clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still listening, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.****This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.****Hi! I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message and if I don't call back, it's you.***Hi! This is Frank. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.****Hi! If you are a burglar, we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.****Hello! You've reached Jim and Cathy. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Cathy likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.****" These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep. Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape!**** Hello, this is Jack. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.****You have reached 555-6238. Why did you call?**** This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when

Now That's Horsepower

This man lives in Southern California and loves to visit and participate in Renaissance Faires, at which people dress and speak in the style of the 16th century. His enjoyment of such events is only slightly dampened by the fact that his mobility is largely limited to a powered scooter. What could be less in keeping with a 16th century event than a steel and chrome scooter?One day he found our web site, and got the idea of converting his scooter to a horse! He contacted us and, after a little negotiation, Merikay agreed to create a scooter-mountable horse head for him. Since the scooter’s range didn’t permit driving it up to Los Gatos, drawings were faxed and digital images emailed to ensure mountability. You can see the result to the left. The skirts (more properly, bards or bardings) were sewn by his wife.More exotic candidates for scooter conversion might include one of our dragons, dinosaurs, or unicorns. Perhaps even our bison/buffalo? via-look at this

Richard Simmon's Funny Blooper On The Letterman Show

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3SCJLlSf21Y&eurl=This was quite entertaining!

Casper The Friendly Deer?

A rare albino deer has been spotted in the foothills of Tuolumne County.The state Department of Fish and Game offered no details about how many such deer there are, but said such an animal is extremely rare.Resident Eleanor Ellis said she at first mistook the deer for a goat or a sheep.The rare deer, believed to be les than a year old, is often seen with her mother, who has normal markings.With video and slideshow.