Vast Archives From Creem Magazine

So much to view and read here- will take you days if not weeks or months to see it all-I try to find cool things as well as humorous and this definitely is COOL!! Click on the link or I may just have to do it for ya.creem archive

Picture Books/Photo Albums/Retro

Here is a sampling of what you will find when you just click the dadgum link- square america

Weird Al Warning-Well Kinda

don't download this song----May turn you into a delinquent at any age.

Redneck Christmas

Christmas is getting closer. No need for me to dream of a white trash Christmas. That's what I always get.

Santa's Little Helper Could Be Bad News

Deputy 'Elf' Helps Nab Speeders In Orange County
Santa may reward the nice, but, Thursday, one of his elves was punishing the naughty. The elf happened to be an Orange County sheriff's deputy and he gave a little extra sting to some speeding tickets.Richard Lockman stands 5-foot-6. He's dressed in green and red. He's wearing tights. And he even has pointy shoes. But he's no ordinary elf."I'm Santa's helper today, helping to save lives so we can help these people enjoy their Christmas, so their families can enjoy their Christmas without the tragedy of traffic crashes," Deputy Lockman told Eyewitness News on Thursday.With a sign that said, "Help An Elf - Slow Down," Lockman clocked the speed, while an army of 20 little helpers bagged the speeders along University Boulevard near Pelee Street.The Orange County Sheriff's Office got a complaint call that it wasn't right to use Santa to stop speeders. But Lockman was no Santa, just an elf armed with a radar gun.With video.

Offers Food And Refreshment

Lady Cleo Opens Psychic Bar & Grill Franchise. You just walk in and the waitress knows your order, walk up to the juke box and it plays the song you want to hear. The bartender makes your drink just the way you like it, and you don’t even have to ask. Walk out when done. They know where to send bill. Once outside, you’ll have to find where you parked by yourself. The waiter said, “ I brought you a new fork since your going to drop that one on the floor” ….please know what you want in advance….the staff can’t handle uncertain minds…. And Please * No Schizophrenic’s *

What A Woman

ORLANDO, FLORIDA - The once voluptuous and popular cover girl, Missy Bossmund has decided to accept the appointment of judge for the upcoming Hooters Bikini Contest. Missy stated “Heck if I feel up to it, I’m liable to put on my T-Back and give those “youngsters” a run for their money!” Ms. Bossmund was thrown out of the high society circle after having a torrid love affair with her former look alike Sally Struthers. Missy thinks her public will understand the consequences of passion and forgive her, and is very hopeful to be “back on top” again. Ms. Bossmund also stated “there is no proof to the rumor that she likes her partner to Tickle Her Fancy”. Pictured here 20 years ago with one of her gentlemen callers. “One thing for sure,” Missy added, “I ain’t no push over… But I can be had!”

It's A No-Brainer

KRAFT MAYONNAISE MAKES APOLOGY
KRAFT MAYONNAISE APOLOGIZES FOR MISSING THE BIG “CINCO DE MAYO” HOLIDAY. A SPOKESPERSON FOR THE COMPANY SAID THEY WOULD SEND A CERTIFICATE REDEEMABLE FOR $.05 CENTS OFF THE NEXT PURCHASE OF MAYO.

TO RECEIVE YOUR FREE CERTIFICATE PLEASE SEND A SELF ADDRESSED STAMPED ENVELOP POSTMARKED NO LATER THAN MAY 5.

Bring Your Kid To Work Is A Godsend Says One Papa

Bring Your Kid To Work Day was a great success. A large number of students participated. Johnnie Walker took all six of his younger kids to work. It turned out to be a record day for the aluminum can collecting guru. "These kids can really hustle!", said Walker. " Normally I bring in close to $3 dollars a day but with the Childrens helping me out I done scored over $10bucks in a single day. Shoot, They should be letting them kids go to work with there old man more often". Walker said. With profits up over 300% in one day it was a great boost to the economy, “I think we should do this once a week and then I can sit on the front porch and get caught up on current events.” Walker said as he stashed the $10 Bucks in his pocket.

Christmas With Mr. Bean

Mr Bean-Christmas - video powered by Metacafe

Dope On A Float

COLUMBIA, S.C. — A man accused of speeding down Main Street in Anderson has been charged with drunken driving. What was unusual was that he was driving a float in a Christmas parade at the time.
When officers caught up to 42-year-old David Allen Rodgers, he had an open container of alcohol in the truck he used to haul the children and adults on a float for the Steppin' Out Dance Studio, Anderson Police spokeswoman Linda Dudley said.
Witnesses said Rodgers was driving in line in Sunday's parade when he pulled out to pass a tractor in the float. Rodgers sped down Main Street and ran a red light, while a witness on the float called 911 on a cell phone, police said.
Officers started chasing Rodgers, who didn't stop for three miles. Once he pulled over, he tried to attack an officer, Dudley said.
Rodgers, whose child was on the float, faces more than three dozen charges, including DUI, 18 counts of kidnapping and assaulting an officer, authorities said.
A woman who answered the phone at Rodgers' home would not talk to a reporter and a message left at the dance studio was not returned Monday.

How To Get Back To Reality

In this days a lot of people are addicted to computers, internet, games, and specialy for them I have a funny guide "How to get a life".Here’s How:Let go of the mouse.Yes let go now.Turn off the computer.Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.Eat something other than taco chips.Fart without recording it and putting it up your Web page.Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don’t tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible).Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.If you see someone, say “Hi” to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.Visit a friend that you haven’t spoken to in years because they don’t have an email address.Have “.com” officially removed from behind your name.Go on a date with someone you didn’t meet in a chat room.

A Mousetrap Even Peta Should Approve Of- Unless It Is Used As Snake Food

How to catch a mouse without a mousetrap 1.Get a toilet paper tube and crease two lines to form a flat sided tunnel.2.Put a treat on one end of the tube: A cracker and dab of peanut butter works great.3.Get a tall (at least 20 inches) bucket. A trash can works well.4.Balance the tube precariously on the edge of a table or counter with the treat hanging directly over the tall sided receptacle.5.The mouse will scurry to the treat (they like tunnels) and fall into the trap.Set the fella loose at least a mile away from your abode.

Turning Flowers Into Fluffy Dogs

Dogs made from flowers. In this day's art can come from anything, ... let's start make art from flowers.This thing can be transformed into a small bouquet business.This bouquets are so pretty.A bouquet like this can be a 2 in one gift - flowers + a plushy toy.

Kooky And Funny

http://www.evethenovel.com/

Historical Humor

"Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement." Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the The Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, Marines, athletes and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Pro Stem-Cell Research

Growers Co-op Support Stem Sell Research.
Cooperatives of medical research and collective gardening growers across the nation are getting on the wagon for promoting the funding of stem sell research. This type of research's ultimate goal is to find more ways to sell stems.According to many medical and recreational marijuana producers, more research is desperately needed on what can be done to improve the viability of adult use of both stems and seeds, and add to their potency in the market place.The grass roots effort is now taking seed coast to coast. According to the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Law (NORML), newly generated cells are emerging on a daily basis.While approved stem sell seed lines can be acquired from seed banks in many parts of the world, the acquisition of totipotent seeds for research can often be an expensive and dangerous, if not also illegal, quagmire.According to Dr. Azeezee, tops in the field of medical marijuana, "we're only in the embryonic stages of capitalizing on what we've learned about the marijuana genome__ like a major locus on chromosome 18 controls odd XX sex__ we need to convert these stems from totipotent, to pluripotent and then to multipotent and beyond! cannabinoid receptors and the endogenous compounds that act upon them__ let's eat a BLT with eggs!"Once thought only to be an aid or treatment for glaucoma, medical marijuana has blossomed to ward-off, if not cure, most known diseases. With additional support, it may also be useful in treating FOHESCR Syndrome (Fear Of Human Embryonic Stem Cell Research).Cloning a new bush may also become a necessary IED on the road to success.

Left: Apparition in lawn with resemblance to actor Lance Kerwin (Toledo, OH) After cutting his grass last month, local resident Keith Szydlowski noticed what appeared to be a face peering back at him in the neatly-trimmed blades."I was totally spooked, at least until I saw that it was Lance Kerwin staring back at me," he laughed. "Then everything was OK."Kerwin was perhaps best remembered for his starring role in the TV series James at 15, which debuted in 1977. Szydlowski said that he "never missed an episode" of the teen drama."Me and James - I mean Lance - we were a team," he reminisced, emptying the grass catcher. "Especially when he nailed that Swedish exchange student - I mean, whoa. That was some serious television, friend."Left: Kerwin in a 1978 studio photographKerwin, following a 1989 drug bust and a subsequent embracing of Christianity, no longer works as an actor. Szydlowski said that there is "no freaking way" he would try to profit from the strange lawn manifestation."Listen- there has to be a reason why this vision appeared to me, his biggest fan," he said, carrying a bag of clippings to the curb. "For me to try and sell this on eBay would be an abomination, man, of everything that Lance stood for. Besides, I can probably make a few bucks selling lemonade and souvenirs once word of this gets out."

A Flare For Cooking

You consider it a culinary success if the Pop-Tart stays in one piece.
Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
Your family buys Alka-Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.
When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.
The E.P.A. insists that all your garbage cans be marked with biohazard symbols.
Your microwave display reads "TILT!"
Your two best recipes are meat loaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.
Your pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven.
You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.
Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes.
You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.
Your family prays AFTER they eat!

Glad She Isn't My Mama

COLUMBIA, S.C. — A fed-up mother had her 12-year-old son arrested for allegedly rummaging through his great-grandmother's things and playing with his Christmas present early.
The mother called police Sunday after learning her son had disobeyed orders and repeatedly taken a Game Boy from its hiding place at his grandmother's house next door and played it. He was arrested on petty larceny charges, taken to the local police station in handcuffs and held until his mother picked him up after church.
"My grandmother went out of her way to layaway a toy and paid on this thing for months," said the boy's mother, Brandi Ervin. "It was only to teach my son a lesson. He's been going through life doing things ... and getting away with it."
Police did not release the boy's name.
The mother said her son was diagnosed in the last year with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, but that his medicine does not seem to help.
She said he faces an expulsion hearing at his school Wednesday. Rock Hill Police Capt. Mark Bollinger said the boy took a swing at a police officer assigned to the school last month. He has been suspended from school since then.
The boy's case will be presented to Department of Juvenile Justice officials in York County, who will decide what happens to him, Bollinger said. His mother hopes he can attend a program that will finally scare him straight.
"It's not even about the Christmas present," she said. "I only want positive things out of it. ... There's no need for him to act this way. I'd rather call myself than someone else call for him doing something worse than this."

And I Have Swede In My Background But I Detest Goats

((Arsonists warned not to kid around with Sweden's straw goat ))
Arsonists who enjoy burning down a festive Swedish straw goat may have met their match this year. In the 40 years since the tradition started, the giant goat of Gavle has often gone up in flames within days.But this year the 13-metre (43ft) high goat has a coat of flame-resistant chemicals, and the authorities are determined it will see in the New Year. "No-one is going to get our goat this year", says a local spokeswoman with confidence. Those who remain concerned can reassure themselves of the goat's wellbeing by watching on the "goatcam".

Some Guy Humor (HOOT)

Breaking Wind
If you ever wondered what a fart filmed with an infrared camera looked like.Here's your chance.Come on- you know you wanna peek.

From Disturbing Auctions WTH?

Seller -- "FUNNY CHICKEN HAT", "Elasticized to fit most heads", "Imagine your next barbecue..."
The only thing that comes to mind when I imagine wearing this to a barbecue is a swift, and well-deserved beating.

A Ho Ho No No

Maine says No No No to Santa Beer
Maine bans brewer from distributing beer with Santa label fearing it will appeal to children. Judging by the photo, this is not a promotion for light beer.

Advent Calendar And More Fun Fun Fun

Interactive Online Advent Calendar

http://www.north-pole.co.uk/advent_calendar/

A Bachelor's Kitchen Guide

FREEZER FOODS: ICE CREAM - If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out. FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. ----- IN THE FRIDGE: EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway -- if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetite! MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat. UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. EMPTY ----- ON THE SHELF: CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of ... Very carefully. POTATOES - Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense,leafy undergrowth. THE GAG TEST - Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night). BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals. CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself. FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it. PRETZELS: Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there's nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago. RAISINS: Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth. SALT: It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours. SPICES: Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will. VINEGAR: If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good. EXPIRATION DATES: This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

An Awesome Ride

Homemade Roller Coaster With 360-Degree Loop
John Ivers of Bruceville, Indiana decided to build his own roller coaster featuring a 360-degree loop. The Blue Flash, cost $1500 and took a year and a half to build using trial and error.The 180-foot long home-made roller coaster constructed in his backyard goes over the tool shed, under the elm tree, and around the rose bushes - all in 30 seconds.With video.

Banks and Stores May Hate Them But One Guy Loves Em

Worlds Largest Collection Of Pennies? The human is picky though- well about the date anyway. Must mean something to this person.

Boy Sh*T

I ran across this animation on Jenga Jam about 2 years ago and I am not sure why but it is one of my favorites. I have watched it several times and I laugh just as hard each time.I'm not sure what it should be rated as the title is misleading. Oh there is sh_t involved its just not very graphic. Parents you need to decide as some get offended when i unwrap a candy bar. Anyway click the link wherever it appears as blogger or myself isn't very post friendly. Also it's 3 a.m.. here, I haven't had shuteye, and my ears are ringing from all the aspirin I have taken.Lame I know, but true.
Animation
Boy Shit

A Little Evolution Humor

Brings Back Memories

Best Looney Tunes Cartoon Ever!"Feed the Kitty" is our hands down favorite Looney Tunes Cartoon. A hilarious and heart melting tale of a gruff bulldog falling in love with a kitten and trying to sneak him into his owner's house. It's an animation classic with many fabulous moments, watch it below!
Continue reading "Best Looney Tunes Cartoon Ever!" »
Posted on December 01, 2006 in Get Your Freak On

Overactive Kids In Your Home?

Give
Kidstoned. this a try-

Nigerian Scam Artists and Their Art

The Cell Block Bunch

How About A Santa Lady?

Have been hearing rumors that Santa may be retiring after Christmas. Seems the only likely candidate to take his place should be female.Think about it- women always make lists and seldom if ever have to check them twice.Heck many times they don't even need to go by lists, would rather make things up as they go.As for the naughty or nice part, all a woman has to do is give the bad kids that naughty face (you all know the look I am talking about).And believe you me they will think again before they do anymore bad stuff.I know ,because my own mom had that look.

Females also have eyes in the back of their heads, women go to beauty shops not just to look pretty, but to cover up those eyes.
Then comes the workplace. The elves will no longer have to wear those green felt clothes ,nor those ugly green shoes with the turned up toes. After all how many people have you seen with toes that go up at a 90 degree angle? It's inhumane I tell you!! The bells need to go also, they must get on the little guys nerves with all that ting-a-ling with each step. A woman will also have bubble baths galore,aromatherapy candles, and home-made desserts for all the workers.

Last but not least, the reindeer will be fed all the fruitcake their little hooves can handle, just not after December 16th. Fruitcakes are heavy and may interfere with the takeoff.
Now. Just one question. What color yarn shall I use for the reindeer"s sweaters? On Mavis, on Dixie,on Shelby and Maizeey,Connie, Laura,Susie, and Daisy. To the top of Wal-mart to the shops at the mall, just dash away, dash away, dash away all.

Write Your Own Text

At Letterjames, you can spray your own individual graffiti message. Generating is fun!!

Men Go Back To Your Hobbies Please!!

Laundry
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."